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Sometimes, authors get carried away with the number of characters they’re trying to balance, and the result is eye-watering for the reader who’s trying to keep the cast straight. The Snarky Editor isn’t sure why this happens — there are many possible reasons — but just because there are a dozen people in the room doesn’t make it a good idea to name them all and call attention to their quirks.
In this case, The Snarky Editor isn’t certain how many people actually are in the room. Who is “she” in the second paragraph? Bianca, maybe? — she seems to be the POV character, and pronouns are most clear when they’re reserved for the main character in the scene. Is “her friend” in paragraph three Nicole, or someone who doesn’t even get a name? And which “him” is Priscilla trotting after? Does Richard leave, too, or is he staying with Nicole and Bianca even after Martin walks away?
The author knows who she’s talking about and how the stage directions play out — but the reader is left scratching her head and wondering. And that requires The Snarky Editor to point out that Bianca’s gaze would have wandered, not wondered. Even if she, too, was wondering who all these people are and what they’re up to.
Sigh.
Six of ‘em, named in just two paragraphs — Kathryn, Sandi, Roselyn, Amy, Paulina, Celine. All female, which makes the pronouns increasingly complex… who is it who has more free time than ever before?
And then there are “the girls,” who might be any of the named characters, or someone else entirely.
Nine people, in a room together, doing… what? Crafts? Or perhaps The Snarky Editor only got that notion because of the glue that’s keeping Isabel’s eyes attached to her work. (Sounds pretty uncomfortable, as well as medically unwise.) And why didn’t anyone answer Alister? Is it because he’s the man in the scenario, and all the women are being discreet (not discrete, thank you) by not challenging him?
‘Tiz a puzzlement, as The Snarky Editor’s granny used to say.
Count ‘em. There are seventeen named characters in the first two paragraphs of this segment.
Seventeen. With no real definition of who they are, or why they’re there, or if they’re important.
One of the most common reasons for The Crowd Scene is the author who’s finishing up a series, so the heroes and heroines and secondary characters from all the previous books reappear. That seems to be the case here, when we don’t even know who the main character is until late in the segment, when we — finally! — start getting Annie’s thoughts.
As an author writes, she can see the scene in her head. She knows who everyone is, where they’re standing or sitting, why they’re there, what they sound like, and why they’re important. But the reader only knows what’s on the page. When the information on the page is crowded, when it’s basically just a list of names, and when there’s nothing distinctive about anyone in that crowd, then very soon the reader’s eyes start to glaze over.
The Snarky Editor comes out of hiding occasionally to comment on the awkward, silly, and sometimes hilarious editing errors found in published books.
#snarkyeditor #everybodyneedsaneditor
Leigh Michaels is the award-winning author of more than 100 books, including historical and contemporary romance, non-fiction books about writing, and local history. More than 35 million copies of her books are in print in 27 languages and more than 120 countries. She is also a writing coach and book editor, though she promises to be snarky only in regard to published books.
To find out more, check out https://leighmichaels.com
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